Tuesday, 22 February 2011

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do....

Smear tests, pap smears, whatever you call them. Absolutely essential, and whilst probably not the most comfortable experience you’ll ever have as a female, could well save your life.

I know that some women would rather wash their knickers in hydrochloric acid than put themselves through it. I understand, I feel like that about hairdressers. And listening to Phil Collins. But I went for a smear not so long ago and it honestly didn’t bother me. I transcend into a sort of out of body experience in these situations.

After the usual prelim and chit chat, the nurse asked me to pop behind the curtain and take off my bottom half. Which, not being made of Lego, I found quite difficult to do, but once she handed me a square of blue paper the size of your average pub toilet hand towel I began to understand what she was getting at.

Apparently, it was to ‘hide my modesty’.

Bless her. Her optimism was touching. My Modesty. To be honest love, where you’re going, the last thing I’d be worrying about is My Modesty. There ain’t no Modesty to be had down there....Modesty has left the building.

I appeased her by draping myself demurely in this scratchy piece of Kleenex, laid back into the stirrups and busied myself with counting the fascinating wiggly patterns in the ceiling tiles, whilst she inserted something into me which wouldn’t have been out of place in a school science lab.

Understandably I flinched a little as she cranked it open and probed round my inner workings with a cold stick, then she came out with some words which almost made me laugh out loud.

‘You seem pretty sensitive. Are you like this during sex?’

Well what would you say?

‘No, love. Because generally speaking, when I’m having sex, there isn’t a middle aged nurse hanging over my genitals poking me with a chopstick. Tell you what, turn the lights down a bit, pour me a glass of red and we’ll see, but right now it’s not working for me...

I mean if she’d whacked on some Barry White and tried to at least look like she was enjoying herself I might have given something back, but as it was.....

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